The closed shop

No blog yesterday - too busy going to Rosh Hashanah morning services. Two and a half hours! Sorry about that.

I do, however, have something to blog about today, having seen this in the Indy. What was so interesting about it?

Please bear in mind that I find talking about smartphones and tablets and gizmos and 'functionality' about as interesting as having my teeth pulled out by accountants who retrained as dentists. Actually, that's kind of the point. 'Functionality'. Words like that. Can't stand them. And that's why I was pleasantly surprised by this article: because it was the first time I've ever seen a business commentator have a pop at someone for using words that only tossers use. David Prosser has Had A Right Old Go at Stephen Elop, Nokia's chief executive, for talking corporate buzzwank. And boy, am I pleased.

It's not that I have anything against Stephen Elop as an individual. He's just a Canadian guy - the first non-Finn ever to head up Nokia, I think - who gets paid quite a lot of money to revitalise a brand that's taken quite a hit of late with all the iDroids and KindlePods and whatnot, and he's changing the way his production line is structured. Fine. I don't really care. Mr Elop will not feature again in this blog.

What I have something against is what I'm going to call 'the closed shop': something which I think Prosser neatly, if unwittingly, sums up in his article.

A closed shop, in the traditional sense, is an organisation who will only employ you if you're a member of the relevant trade union (or at least that's what I think it means). This closed shop is different - there are no trade unions involved - but in a sense, it's exactly the same. It's exactly the same because, if you don't speak the language, you're out. No hope of getting jobs, nothing.

The language I'm talking about is like English, but it isn't, really. To call it corporate buzzwank is to be too flippant. It's sinister. It uses three words where one would do. It invents nuances where there aren't any. Worst of all, it simply doesn't resemble the way anyone I know communicates. Which means it's not a language of the people: it's the language of a clique. It's impossible to overstate quite how isolated it makes me feel. No, not just me: anyone who's bright, feels they're capable of doing more than they are, but just doesn't want to talk that way.


For example, I've hankered after a job in my industry for some time that means I can talk to clients. At the moment, I don't. But when I receive an email from someone who does, telling me that my client feels I should "be less granular" with what I'm producing, how does that make me feel? First of all, it makes me think "What the hell does my client mean by less granular?". Of course, I know what they mean - they mean they want me to go into less detail. But then it makes me think "What if I actually had to talk to these people?"

Could I do it? Would I end up having to use words like "granular" to sound convincing?

Would I end up sending e-mails to my colleagues telling them they needed to be less granular?

If I didn't, would I get laid off?

Oh, this is too worrying. I don't think I'm cut out for this client stuff. It's a foreign country. So I'll stay where I am, on a pittance. And God forbid if I ever wanted to get to be an executive. Then I'd have to start thinking strategically about strategic thinking. These aren't just plans: they're M&S strategic, synergistic, leveraged plans. STRATEGIC, SYNERGISTIC, LEVERAGED PLANS.

The situation is terrible. And I wish it would stop.

I mean, if what the Tories are saying is true and you have buffoons looting Nokia phones from burnt-out shops on the one hand, and wealth-creating suited booted people manufacturing and selling them on the other, and you have ppl who r illitrit and cnt reed or rite and r not in eudaction emplyment or trnaing on the one hand, and professional professionals leveraging their granular expertise synergistically on the other...

...can there be no-one in the middle? Is there no room? Is it really a case of polar opposites?

What happens to the rest of us, the ones who can read and write and construct a sentence and an argument and all that jazz, and have an idea, or even lots of ideas, but just don't want to spend the rest of their lives talking utter bobbins?

Is the economy that bad that those of us who value proper communication now have to compromise?

Or are we really all freelance writers?

And will David Prosser ever get to praise anyone for talking straight?

Any answers, anyone?